The Pain Of Ending A Relationship

Like all processes in which a loved one is lost, the pain of ending a relationship can be very difficult to manage. After a breakup, many people feel invaded by a series of emotions that they cannot control, especially if the decision is one-sided or, simply, the other disappears without giving explanations.

The pain of ending a relationship is very similar to other forms of pain. This, while it may seem strange, has a great advantage: psychologists have been studying ways to overcome a loss for decades. There are therefore several tools that can help us feel better in case of separation.  

The pain of the end of a relationship and its phases

The pain of ending a relationship goes through five stages. Their peculiarity is that they can occur in a different order than when you are in mourning for the death of a loved one. However, the basic structure is the same.

When we are left, it is normal to go through 5 stages:

• Denial
• Anger
• Negotiation
• Depression
• Acceptance

These phases do not occur in the same order for everyone. Thus, someone might start out with anger, then move on to negotiation and eventually depression, jumping from one to the other for a long time.

It must be remembered that all of these emotions are perfectly normal. Furthermore, it must be borne in mind that after the breakup pain occurs almost inevitably if there were very strong feelings. Understanding what each of these stages consists of can greatly relieve emotional pain.

Let’s analyze them all.

1 – The phase of denial

The first phase that one goes through for the loss of a partner is that of denial. In the event of a breakup, the person is unable to accept that the relationship is over. Then, keep acting as if the other person could come back at any time.

This can manifest itself in several ways. For some, the breakup will appear to be a normal quarrel believing that there will be a reconciliation in no time. For others, however, it will be clear that it is a real breakup, but they will think that, with some effort, they can win back the ex.

If you feel you are in this phase, you need to start looking reality in the face. Denying it will only bring you further pain.

2 – The phase of anger

When the person accepts that the relationship is over, feelings of hostility and anger usually appear. These perform a fundamental function: they allow to relieve pain.

Some of the typical thoughts of this phase are:

• “He really didn’t deserve me”
• “I’m better off without him / her”
• “He does not know what he is losing”

However, this mental dialogue hides sadness and resentment. To advance in the grieving process, you need to understand that the ex-partner is a normal, ordinary person, who is only doing what he thinks is best. Only then will it be possible to ease the anger and move on to the next stage.

3 – The negotiation phase

In negotiation, the person in pain tries to win back the ex in any way possible. Thus, romantic gestures, pleas or even emotional blackmail may appear. This is typical of people with a certain personality, such as histrionics or depressed people.

The only way to get through this stage is to accept that the ex won’t be back. Only in this way will it be possible to move on to the next phase of pain.

4 – The phase of depression

During this stage the person accepts that the ex will not return. However, the process of overcoming the grief for the end of the relationship is not over yet. In the stage of depression, the dominant thought is that you cannot live without the other person.

So, some of the most common thoughts at this stage are:

• “I’ll never find anyone like him”
• “I will die alone”
• “I’ll never be fine again”
• “Nobody will love me like he / she”

The messages that the person sends to himself are for the most part irrational. To overcome the pain, it is necessary to accept that one can feel good even without the other, and that the end of the relationship is not so terrible.

5 – The acceptance phase

The last phase occurs when the person finally accepts what has happened and realizes that he does not need the other to feel good. At this point, the victim can rebuild their life and also start a new relationship in a healthy way.

The time it takes to go through the five stages depends on the person. If you are going through a breakup, you need to be patient. It is essential to progress little by little and actively work on your own healing.