Everyone Against Me!

Sometimes there are people who always complain about the offenses received. In general, they refer to the issuance of opinions. The latter concern the way in which one relates, at work, family, social level, and the way in which one interacts with respect to authorities or professionals in any field.

One of the main problems that arise in interpersonal relationships has to do with communication, be it work, family, social or couple. 

A typical situation among couples is, for example: the husband arrives home and, seeing that the dinner is not ready, comes to the conclusion that the wife has spent the whole day with her friends. Faced with the accusations of the husband, the wife reacts: “Are you calling me a slacker?”.

In the workplace we always find the employee convinced that the boss considers him inferior to the others, even if only for having heard isolated phrases from a conversation.

The person who is used to complaining about his poor relationship with others may feel anger, anger, sadness, bitterness and distrust, among various negative emotions. This can cause angry, even violent responses to other people, or fall into depressive or anxious states. When we look closely at the problem, we see that some of it originates in the way it is perceived.

The main error in communication between people is the tendency to interpret or suppose what the other is saying.  We tend to give a meaning that goes beyond that expressed, according to the emotions and the way of thinking of the listener.

Distortions are often wrong ways of thinking, they are a break in logical thinking and probability. Among them we distinguish speculation, generalization, maximization, catastrophism. We can talk about 9 styles of harmful thinking, known as cognitive distortions in cognitive behavioral psychology.

The expressions and the way they are used usually tell us what is the smoke that blurs communication. A generalization, well known among women, is that men are all the same, a recurring topic in conversations about infidelity. However, does the minority of the male gender statistically represent the more than 2500 million men on planet earth? Analyzing this belief objectively leads us to recognize that it is a logical error. 

When people are in an altered state of mind, they usually interpret what they hear according to the state of mind in question. Typical words like “you said X and I understood Y”. The problem is not so much with the speaker, but with the interpreter. It is not necessary to interpret in a subjective way.

The projections and distortions combined with the ego are a toxic cocktail that damages and interferes with communication.  Separate families, injured people, divorces, and even murders often happen just because you give free rein to your mental machination. Unreal offenses are the result of this situation. How many books would have finished in just two chapters if the characters had spoken when they had to?

The ego usually appears to vehemently defend the reason of those who distort and interpret giving a meaning that does not exist. We do not listen and we do not allow reflection because we connect the heard sentence or the seen gesture to our self-esteem with the false belief that we are perfect.

On many occasions, people cause a negative affective impact only as a result of their way of thinking. Victim of his own distortions, the person gives rise to harmful conduct. In any kind of conversation, he believes he is the subject. From this derive two paranoid thoughts, of a persecutory nature: The others want to hurt her / him; what happens is always intentional.

To have quality communication it is important:

1.- No speculating. Ask and ask again if you don’t understand satisfactorily what they are saying. Do not put words into a person’s mouth that he or she has not said.

2.- Do not interpret. Our language needs no interpretation. It is for non-native speakers. Interpretations are subjective and are tinged with the meaning they are given and probably when you do, you are based on the ideas and emotions they bring to you.

3.- Don’t maximize. Remember that people are unique and have free will.

4.- Do not project.

5.- Take a break. If you are angry, stop for a moment. Ask yourself, “What evidence is there of what I think?”

6.- Don’t use the mind reader. No one person can read another’s mind. Having known a person for a long time does not grant you the power to know their thoughts and emotions. Do not forget to remove the temptation to interpret everything according to the meaning it arouses in you.

7.- Remember the purpose of the communication. It is about forming a channel through which people can convey their emotions, feelings and thoughts. To do this, active listening is necessary: ​​to be genuinely interested, to ask at the right time. Do not judge.

8.- Be empathetic. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and then go back to your place and take action. It is not thinking in the place of the other. How would you like to be treated? This is empathy. Act as we would like others to do.

9. Catastrophism  means always expecting the worst. This attitude causes anxiety.