Dedicated To Those Who Have Left Us Without Being Able To Say Goodbye

Those who are no longer rest in our hearts, but many of these absences continue to be depths of pain in our memory: because they left us without allowing us to say goodbye,  because they left without a “I love you” or an “I’m sorry”. This vital distress makes the proper pain healing process difficult in many cases.

Death should be like a farewell to the train station.  We should have a brief moment to dedicate to the last conversation, in which we can exchange a long hug and let the other go sobbing goodbye, fully convinced that everything will be for the best. However, this is not possible.  

Anne Morrow Lindbergh, a famous writer and aviator of the early twentieth century, explained in her biography that pain, unlike what many think, is not universal. Suffering is strictly personal, profound and disarming, a feeling that only the single individual can understand,  to begin, little by little, a slow process of inner reconstruction.

Because death comes without warning and it must be acknowledged as soon as possible.

Who left us without asking permission or saying goodbye

It is often said that the only “positive” aspect of terminal illnesses is that they somehow allow people to get used to and prepare for the last goodbye or sweet death. Nonetheless, although a family may be prepared for a farewell, far from feeling relieved, it often experiences this experience in a traumatic way.

Well, those who left us without asking permission or saying goodbye are, without a doubt, the absences that make the process of healing from pain more difficult,  characterized by the 5 stages of the Kübler-Ross model. It is common to experience feelings of disbelief and denial in the beginning and, at worst, reach a state of vital disorganization, marked by anger or depression.

The unexpected death of a loved one is much more than an intense emotional impact. The loss leaves many threads tangled, unfinished business, unspoken words, unspoken apologies,  and desperate need of one last goodbye. The answer to all this is within us, and it is precisely there that we will have to take refuge during a certain period of time, to find calm, serenity and to accept what happened.

How to accept the loss of a loved one when we couldn’t say goodbye

Jim Morrison said that we are more afraid of pain than of death, which, in reality, finally relieves all pain. Nevertheless, the famous singer of “The Doors” forgot a fundamental aspect, namely that  after death, another type of suffering begins: that of the partner, of family members, of friends …

One thing to always keep in mind is that each person experiences pain differently. There are no times or omnivalent strategies. The pain that paralyzes at the beginning, the pain that takes our breath away and that upsets our soul during the first days, weeks or months, ends up fading. Because, even if we believe it is impossible, we survive.

Learn to say goodbye to those who haven’t given us the chance

Those who have left a void inside us, unanswered questions, unspoken words and without that goodbye we so much need, will not return. We have to acknowledge it, face it and accept it. Well, it can make us feel better to think that that person loved us, and that that love was mutual.   

• Avoid focusing your thoughts on the day of the disappearance, backtrack with your mental time machine to those moments of happiness and lightheartedness. That’s where the answers to your questions lie: that person knew you loved him.

• Write a letter with everything you wanted to say to that person or, if you prefer, speak to them mentally or aloud; in this way you will facilitate the emotional release. After that, visualize a moment of harmony, peace and happiness shared with her, in which you were smiling. Feel loved and comforted.

• If it makes you feel better, repeat this exercise several times. Nevertheless, it is good that you also spend time with other family members and friends,  who will be able to answer your questions. They will convince you that even if you couldn’t say goodbye to that person, she knew how much you loved her.

The wound caused by the loss, by the painful and unexpected absence, will heal over time.  Even if these are gaps that will never be filled again, believe it or not, our brains are “programmed” to overcome adversity, perhaps due to that innate instinct that drives us to keep moving forward. To survive.

For this reason, it is enough to take care of yourself in the same way as restoring a delicate broken porcelain object. We will once again combine the good memories that honor that person who is no longer there with that substance of which the loves that are not forgotten are made, the sincere and indelible affection and the emotional inheritance that will act as paint, to be even stronger and courageous in the future.