Avoid Certain Experiences For Fear Of Suffering

Raising barriers and avoiding certain experiences is a very common strategy to avoid the discomfort that these could generate. The modern human mind has evolved; but more than to make us feel good, it acts to allow us to survive the dangers.

Thousands of years ago the essential needs for human beings were linked to food, a roof over their heads, the possibility of reproducing. Since the most important challenge was simply to survive, the brain was concerned with figuring out what could be dangerous and avoiding it.

This mental phenomenon is called “negative reinforcement” by psychology. A phenomenon that explains why our intrinsic desire to avoid unpleasant or dangerous consequences remained part of our repertoire even centuries later.

Avoid fear at any cost

Those who do not risk do not suffer and lose nothing, but at the same time it is very likely that they will never win. Through this tendency to not risk we have learned throughout history not to tire ourselves, to conform to others and avoid dangerous situations. For example, we tend to avoid certain experiences for fear of suffering, ignoring that the fear we try to hide so much will find other ways to manifest itself.

We should not repudiate fear, as it is an elementary emotion that helps us understand and react to threats. We start from the awareness of the fact that we all have the need to live a full life; and that to succeed we must accept fear as well as all other emotions.

According to our innate protective drift, one of the manifestations of fear that we tend to avoid most is pain. The fear of suffering pushes us to avoid situations that could generate this feeling. Our mind is not always able to separate what our imagination creates from what actually happens. On the other hand, the good news is that we can all improve with good cognitive training.

Avoid certain experiences and the illusion of being in control

In his book The Happiness Trap , Russ Harris explains, starting from the theory of acceptance and commitment, that we try to control our emotions and so sometimes we fall into the belief that we have the situation under control. Thoughts, emotions and physical sensations have far less power than we attribute to them.

Some people tend to avoid painful experiences because they cause painful memories and anxiety. Yet it is more of a palliative than an effectively effective way of dealing with difficulties. Like denial, avoiding certain experiences can protect us at a specific time, but as a strategy applied systematically it will not be able to shield us forever from that pain.

Recurring control strategies

On the one hand, there are escape strategies, which lead us to escape or protect ourselves from certain delicate situations by implementing behaviors such as:

• Protect us or escape from situations or experiences that could cause us negative thoughts or feelings. For example, abandoning a social commitment to avoid anxious feelings.

• Distract ourselves from our thoughts and feelings, shifting our focus to something else. If we are worried or anxious, we eat ice cream or go shopping. If we’re worried about an exam, we turn on the television to think about something else.

• Disconnect or become numb to forget our bad thoughts; almost always using medications, drugs or alcohol.

On the other hand, we have the strategies of struggle that push us to face situations and try to control them. Like?

• By suppressing unwanted feelings and thoughts. It happens when we forcefully drive out inappropriate thoughts or when we push them as far into our minds as possible.

• Arguing with our thoughts in an attempt to rationalize them.

• Trying to take charge of our thoughts and feelings. When, for example, we give ourselves strength with phrases like “come on!” or “courage!”.

• Forcing us to feel differently, like when we blame ourselves or criticize ourselves.

A very common job in psychotherapy is to become aware of our emotions, thoughts and physical sensations, in order to be able to manage them more adequately.

The difference between setting limits and avoiding certain experiences

To a greater or lesser extent, we all use control methods that we use to manage malaise. The problem is not their use, but their abuse; that is, when we use them in situations where they are not required, or when we let them manipulate our priority list in the wrong way.

The level of control we can get over a given situation depends on the type of experience and the importance it has for us. When our thoughts are not very intense, we are able to exercise more control over them. Likewise, we are more able to avoid experiences that are not important to us.

Putting healthy limits on our inner world is advisable to better manage our upsets. To do this, it is essential to work on a deep knowledge of oneself.

In addition to the psychological aspect, to live a full life it is important to learn to enjoy what it offers us without prejudice, adopting an attitude of acceptance.