When You End Up Imitating Your Attacker

In relationships with others, we constantly risk being hurt. A misunderstanding, an unusual situation or intolerance can hurt us and lead us to face a conflict. But there are also experiences in which aggression and violence go beyond what is necessary and it is in this case that we end up imitating those who hurt us.

The expression “identifying with the aggressor” was coined by Sandor Ferenczi, only to be taken up by Anna Freud; they are two psychoanalysts with two different points of view. Identification with the aggressor is a paradoxical behavior that can only be explained with the defense mechanism, i.e. the victim of a violence ends up identifying with his aggressor.

In a scenario of terror and isolation, the victim’s attitude towards his attacker can even become pathological when there is a bond of admiration, thanks and identification.

A typical example of identification with the aggressor is the behavior of some Jews in Nazi concentration camps. Some prisoners behaved like their guards and exploited their comrades. This type of conduct cannot be justified solely by attempting to curry favor with surveillance.

Admiration or love for those who harm us

A classic example of identification with the aggressor is the so-called “Stockholm Syndrome”. In this case, the victims form an emotional bond with their captors during a kidnapping.

This syndrome also bears the name of “traumatic bond” and describes the positive feelings and behaviors of the victims towards their aggressors, as well as the attitudes of rejection towards anything that goes against the mentality and intentions of the criminals, despite the damage suffered.

When one remains at the mercy of an attacker, high doses of terror and anguish appear, resulting in infantile regression. This involution is experienced as a sort of feeling of gratitude towards the aggressor, as one begins to see him as someone who satisfies our basic needs; it is for this reason that the victim somehow resumes being a child.

The assailant feeds, lets go to the toilet, etc. In exchange for this “generosity”, the victim can only feel gratitude towards the assailant who leaves her alive. He forgets that he is the very source of his suffering.

The usual method of an attacker is to intimidate the victim when helpless. In other words, the assailant abuses his victim when the victim is vulnerable. At this point, the victim is terrified and will hardly try to defend himself; this happens because the victim believes that if he submits he will have a better chance of surviving.

The emotional bond

The emotional bond between the victim of intimidation and abuse and the abuser is, in fact, a survival strategy. Once this relationship is understood, it is easier to understand why the victim supports, defends and even loves his attacker.

What is certain is that situations of this type do not arise only on the occasion of a kidnapping, they are indeed much more frequent than we think and are typical of cases of violence against women.

Many abused women do not want to file a complaint, rather they want to cover the backs of their boyfriends or husbands, despite physically abusing them. They even go so far as to rebel against the police when they try to save them from a violent assault.

There are conditions that are fertile ground for the process of identification with the aggressor, such as violence in the family or exploitation at work. This mechanism is also activated during sporadic situations of violence, such as in the case of a single assault or rape. However, life can become unsustainable if a way is not found to overcome what has happened.

Every trauma originating from a violent act leaves a deep trace in the human heart. For this reason, there are times when identification with the aggressor is activated without a close bond with him.

The power possessed by the aggressor inspires so much fear that the person ends up imitating it, in order to avert the fear of a possible confrontation. An example is when you are the victim of an armed attack and you end up buying a weapon to defend yourself: this behavior legitimizes the use of violence that you have been a victim of.

From victims to aggressors

A person who is the victim of abuse runs the risk of becoming an abuser himself, as he tries to understand what has happened, but fails to do so. It is as if the personality is diluted in confusion and a void is created which is gradually filled with the characteristics of the attacker ; this is how identification with one’s jailer is born.

At this point, it is good to clarify that this whole process develops unconsciously. It’s like an actor gets so deeply into his part that he becomes the character himself. The victim is convinced that, if he succeeds in appropriating the characteristics of the aggressor, he will be able to neutralize him. He gets obsessed with this goal, tries constantly, and it is with this dynamic that he ends up resembling the abuser.

In this way, a chain is created which becomes a vicious circle of violence. The boss uses violence with his employee, the latter with his wife, she with her children, them with the dog, which ends up biting the boss.

One people uses violence against another people, who feel entitled to perpetrate the same violence against the aggressors. He believes that this is a simple and right reaction, in reality he is imitating what he in theory rejects.

Unfortunately, it happens very often that people who have experienced traumatic situations without being able to overcome them or without seeking help repeat that violence on others. For some this consequence is obvious, for others it sounds like a contradiction, but it is the reality of things.